White Horses and Not Feeling Real

Life is so strange I mean if you really sit back and think about it, we are these creatures much like animals but also not at the same time.  We have bodily functions that operate whether we think or not.  We have a brain that thinks on it’s own and thoughts that run through it all day all night every single moment of our entire lives.  Those thoughts cause our “creature bodies” to feel automatic emotions of fear, joy, sadness, or anxiety and in doing that those automatic bodily functions like sweating from stress, adrenaline rush from fear, tears of sadness or tears of joy, shivering when we are cold or scared.  These bodies really are beings that are operating completely separate from what we are actually REALLY feeling or thinking inside.  Have you ever been super happy but for some reason you have a feeling of nervousness in your stomach as it flip flops around making you nauseous so you become obsessed with figuring out what bad thing is about to happen or what bad thing has happened that you don’t know about.  Have you ever felt fear and adrenaline rushes when you meet a new person that is the most pleasant person you have ever met.  You connect with them you have common interests, they are delightful but you can’t think about them with out a choking feeling in your throat or a pounding in your chest.  Again we scan that little hard drive in our brain for reasons why we are feeling this.  What about driving down the free way and all of a sudden you have an image in your mind of the car flipping over the side rail or you actually have a thought that says “I wonder what would happen if I just spun the wheel and hit that wall?” only to get angry at your self and wonder why you would ever think something like that. 

It is because our bodies are operating on their own, our mind is like a movie theatre that never shuts down.  There were a few movies back in the 90’s I think one was Blair witch project where we saw life through the eyes of the video camera, that is how I see life now all the time.  I feel like I am a separate being watching life through the eyes of Marisa who is walking through life thinking, feeling, emoting, while all the automatic bodily functions continue to operate and the heart of Marisa continues to beat. 

When I was in 8^th grade I remember getting little flashes of this feeling where I would feel like I was NOT Marisa, where for just a minute or less I would realize that I was watching life like a movie through someone else’s eyes or through Marisa’s eyes.  I would stop everything and since the feeling always happened to be around one of my still best friends Lauren I would say “oh my gosh Lauren I DON’T FEEL REAL!  This is SO weird Lauren!  I am MARISA!!  Oh my gosh I am Marisa!!” while slapping my arm and watching through my eyes as I rubbed my hands together and then the feeling would go away.  I would slip back into being Marisa and we would laugh about it.  I still remember saying it to my mom and sister a few times and I can still hear my mom’s cute voice “You are real Marisa” and I would say “no I am not Mama… I am not Marisa”  then as quickly as it came it would go and I would laugh about it.

When I met Jeff it started happening all the time we would be on the couch watching TV and my fat cat Stevie would walk by and I would say “Oh no Jeff, I don’t feel real!  Look at Stevie she is like this THING that walks around and eats and licks herself completely separate from us”  The first 10 or 20 times I did it he thought I was insane but as I said it more and more I think he started to get what I meant or at least pretended to so I wouldn’t be embarrassed.

Have you ever had that feeling where you switch back and forth between the reality of who you are to being a spectator in your own life?  Most people I share this with get this look on their face like “YES oh my gosh all the time!” 

The first meditation class I ever attended was at Spiritual Center in Las Vegas where we chanted mantras for an hour.  I couldn’t believe I was actually at something like that but continued to chant the mantra over and over.  After what seemed like only a few minutes I remember slipping back into the spectator role but this time I could feel that I really was a spectator, I imagined a mirror was in front of me and I could see ME in all white gowns wearing a golden crown on my head. I was aobut 8 feet tall and about a ¼ of the front of my body was blended with the back of my physical body. I could see Marisa in front of me rocking back and forth chanting with her eyes closed but I could still feel the cool air in the room we were meditating in, I could still hear all the others and see them as well but when I looked around I saw that many of them had crowed versions of themselves standing behind them but many had really creepy things standing between them and the “crowed self” and some had nothing at all.  I had just started getting into meditation and had no idea what a higher self was, I did not believe in guides or even acknowledge that Spirits were real at that point.  From the center of the room a huge white horse rose out of the floor wearing a ribbon on it like it had just won a race.  I could hear people in the stands that surrounded it cheering for the white horse while it pranced proudly in the middle of the crowd.  The horse looked at me and as we locked eyes I flew back into my body and jolted awake the same way we tend to have a jolt when we fall asleep at night.

After the mediation was over I asked the teacher if she had a white horse because I saw one standing in the middle of the room and you would have thought that I had just said Christ was resurrected.  About 15 people standing in the room swarmed me saying things like “Oh my gosh you are one of the 2%!  You are one of the ones that the white horse has chosen to bring Christ Consciousness to the planet” I ran out of there SO fast I probably had smoke coming out of the back of my car as I peeled away.  Those people scared me, they felt like a crazy cult talking about white horses saving a planet, I wanted no part of that craziness.  Years later I would learn of something called Deeksha and in that modality they believe Kahlki (their version of chirst) will return on a white horse as a warrior savior to save the world from destruction.

That day in that meditation room I experienced life through the eyes of my higher self consciously for the first time, I didn’t know I had but now after 8 years of daily meditation, automatic writing that later turned to channeling about the higher self, guides, angels, and the constructs of the universe and reality in general in relation to the Divine.  I know now exactly what happened and I know exactly what the “I don’t feel real” feeling is.  It is when I am not in my body.  When I am experiencing life through the eyes of my higher self and when that feeling creeps up on me I take advantage of it now.  I have some exercises and attunements I will be sharing in this book that help to guide you into a spectator role in your life and then another step further into the director or creator of the movie you call life. 

We are multi dimensional beings, I am sure if you reading this book you have heard that a million times.  You have also probably heard “we are spirits having a human experience not the other way around”.  I use to believe that, but now knowing what I know and having been to the edges of the universe and back through the cycle of creation and into the creation room that I will later attune you to I see that the statement is only partially true.  Yes our spirit is ONE layer of our body, the same way we have a right brain or left brain or a liver or a hand, the spirit is part of our whole body and it is having a experience though the human layer of us.  This is all true however we are so much more or should I say our body is so much more.  In addition to the layer of us that is spirit we have our higher self, our soul, our over soul, our I am self, or Creator self all the way up to the layer of us that is God or what I am many refer to as The I am that I am.  We are the conscious awareness that floats around through all those bodies experiencing life through all of them.  So basically, if your consciousness wants to experience something you are doing from the less emotional, wisdom filled layer of you it will rise up into that layer and watch the movie from there.  If you are in a mode where you are wanting to manifest and are saying affirmations over and over all day until you are blue in the face the conscious awareness may slip into the Creator self layer so that the affirmations actually happen and happen QUICK the way things happen for the Creator Self. 

Once we as humans can begin to see ourselves are the awareness that is conscious of it’s self then we can begin to navigate the mind and slow or turn the thoughts off.  We can begin to go into all layers of the body to view past lives, or see relatives that are passed in the layer of you that is with them on the other side.  This is not something that I was taught.  I was taught to use my mind to connect with spirit. I was told that I need to get into my astral or spirit body and travel to some far off place and meet my guides or angels or loved ones that had passed.  Over the last 8 years my guides and my higher self have taught me a much easier, safer way and just recently have given me a series of attunements that I will be sharing with you so that you can become familiar with the real you and experience life through all the layers of your whole self or more specifically your 5^th dimensional Christ self.